wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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