you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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