At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
they're like a gay fantastic four
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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