As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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