I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
