I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I have aggressive nipples.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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