I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
