So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
