Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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