If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
