The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
