i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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