On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm having to shit out rocks
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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