My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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