He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
