If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
