Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
