Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
