If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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