I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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