Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
