Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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