I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize