true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
FUCK WHALES
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