Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
