I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
