my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
