sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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