I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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