Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
