"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
