Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
