Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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