Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
