She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
