how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
