I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
