DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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