I cannot find my penis.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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