woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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