What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
