i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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