you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize