I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
