I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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