no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
