Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize