Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
