She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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