dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
