I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
This baby is an asshole
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
