Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
false alarm. still invincible.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
