I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
