Will you blow on my dice?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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