dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
what is it with giant penises always finding me
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
