there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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