I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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