new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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