I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
