I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
