Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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